“Usually, a grifter has to find a mark, build trust, and then execute the sting. Lindell managed to do all three during a single shave in his bathroom mirror.”
In a move that has left both campaign finance regulators and local psychologists baffled, area man and part-time gubernatorial candidate Mike Lindell has reportedly successfully grifted himself out of more than $200,000 in campaign funds.
The sophisticated con, which involved Lindell convincing himself to use donor money to purchase thousands of copies of his own autobiography, What Are the Odds? From Crack Addict to CEO, has resulted in Lindell becoming both the victim of a high-level political scam and the sole beneficiary of its payout.
“It’s one of the most efficient transfers of wealth we’ve ever seen,” said forensic accountant Arthur Gable, while reviewing a filing that showed Lindell’s campaign spending $155,000 on “educational materials” that were just pallets of his own face. “Usually, a grifter has to find a mark, build trust, and then execute the sting. Lindell managed to do all three during a single shave in his bathroom mirror.”
The “Area Man” reportedly spent the better part of three months pitching himself on the necessity of the purchase. Sources close to Lindell say he was initially skeptical of the “salesman’s” aggressive tactics, but eventually succumbed to the pitch after being promised that the books would be “the greatest political tool since the invention of the ballot box.”
“I really sold myself on the idea,” said a visibly exhausted Lindell, who is currently being sued by himself for breach of contract regarding the shipping speeds of the memoirs. “At first, I told myself, ‘Mike, you don’t need 40,000 copies of your own life story.’ But then I countered with a very compelling argument about how the election can’t be stolen if the voters are too busy reading Chapter 12 to go to the polls. I didn’t stand a chance against me.”
As of press time, Lindell was reportedly seen in a heated negotiation with himself over whether to use the remaining $40,000 in his campaign war chest to buy a fleet of “Lindell 2026” branded slippers, a deal that his “candidate side” describes as “predatory” but his “CEO side” describes as “a limited-time offer too good to pass up.”
/s Based on a true story
