ST. PAUL, MN — Legal experts and medical professionals representing a U.S. Border Patrol agent arrested for DWI this week have come forward to clarify that their client was not, in fact, “dangerously intoxicated,” but was simply suffering from a violent physical reaction to the horrifying lack of a 30-foot steel bollard wall along the Minnesota-Canada border.
Officer Dale “Tex” Miller, who was found slumped over his steering wheel and covered in his own vomit, explained that the sight of the Twin Cities’ open roads and unguarded suburban cul-de-sacs caused his “patriotism-induced vertigo” to flare up.
“People see a man covered in puke and smelling like a distillery, and they jump to conclusions,” said CBP spokesperson Skip Henderson. “What they don’t see is a brave federal servant who looked north toward the Canadian border, realized there wasn’t a single strand of concertina wire between us and a Moose-led invasion, and physically couldn’t handle the betrayal.”
According to the police report, Miller was found in a “No Parking” zone, which he later claimed he mistook for a “Free Entry” zone because he assumed Minnesota had abandoned all laws entirely.
“I pulled over because I was feeling lightheaded,” Miller told reporters while wearing a pair of dark sunglasses indoors. “I looked out the window and saw a Canadian family walking into a Target. No passport check. No biometric scanning. No K-9 units. I just saw… freedom. Unregulated, terrifying freedom. My stomach just did a backflip. I didn’t have eight shots of bourbon; I had a massive overdose of ‘unsecured perimeter syndrome’.”
The agency has requested that the DWI charges be dropped, citing “Emotional Distress caused by Blue State Geography.” Miller has asked to be transferred back to the Texas border immediately, where the sight of a partially finished wall acts as a “natural Dramamine” for his sensitive constitution.
At publishing time, Miller was seen being escorted out of the precinct, where he reportedly vomited again after seeing a “Welcome to Minnesota” sign that didn’t include an armed guard or a thermal imaging camera.
/s Based on a true story
Thought I’d try my hand at it.
Sort of an Onion story?