Trump Demands Canada Saw Gordie Howe Bridge In Half So U.S. Can Keep Its Fair Share

DETROIT, MI — In an effort to correct what he described as a “disastrous, one-sided infrastructure tragedy,” President Donald Trump reportedly issued a formal executive ultimatum Tuesday demanding that Canada saw the nearly-completed Gordie Howe International Bridge directly down the middle so the United States can finally take physical possession of its “rightful 50 percent.”

The demand came after the President learned that Canada had fully financed the $6.4 billion project, a move he characterized as a “sneaky, socialist trap” designed to make America look like a houseguest who never chips in for pizza.

“We’re going to take the saws out, the big saws—the best saws you’ve ever seen—and we’re going to cut it right down the center,” Trump announced from the White House, gesturing toward a map of the Detroit River where he had drawn a jagged Sharpie line through the bridge’s suspension cables. “Canada thinks they can just build a bridge and keep all the parts that touch the ground. Not on my watch. We want our half, and we want it delivered to Detroit by Friday, or nobody gets a bridge.”

White House officials clarified that the President is specifically interested in owning the “high-value middle section” of the 1.5-mile span. Under the proposed “America First Mobility Act,” the center 4,000 feet of the bridge would be designated as a Sovereign U.S. Transition Zone. In this zone, the administration plans to implement a “Middle-of-the-Bridge Processing Fee,” requiring motorists to pay a $25 surcharge just for the privilege of driving over the part of the river where the current is strongest.

“It’s about leverage,” said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, while holding a scale model of the bridge that had been crudely snapped in two. “Why should Canada get 100% of the bridge just because they paid for 100% of it? That’s loser logic. By owning the middle, we control the flow. If they don’t give us the ownership stake, we’ll simply leave our half of the bridge in the ‘up’ position permanently.”

The President also raised “major structural concerns” regarding the materials used by the Canadian government, specifically the use of what he called “Maple-infused Socialist Steel.”

“I’ve seen this steel, it’s very soft, very weak—it’s basically frozen syrup,” Trump told reporters. “It’s fine for those little Canadian cars that run on kindness and moose milk, but it’ll never hold a real American F-150. If we don’t replace our half with solid, patriotic American iron, the whole thing is going to collapse the moment a truck carrying Bibles drives over it.”

At press time, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney was reportedly seen staring blankly at a blueprint of the bridge, trying to calculate the physics of a suspension bridge that only exists on one side of the border, while billionaire Ambassador Bridge owner Matthew Moroun waited in the lobby with a giant pair of ceremonial scissors.

Inspired by a true story /s